FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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