okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
