sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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