People in love make me want to vomit
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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