Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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