Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
