so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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