I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
