And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have tasted many bathrooms
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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