Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
