I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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