no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
