I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
