Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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