I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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