John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
