i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do herpes really smell.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just invented taco cereal.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
