Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
