I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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