remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
