you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
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