My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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