I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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