okay pat passed out under dana's car
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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