she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
