My Higher Power is John Stamos
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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