Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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