the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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