operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize