What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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