Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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