mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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