My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How naked do you want me to be?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
