No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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