I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
handjob tips. give me some.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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