May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
