my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize