I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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