I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
