I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
