did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
