Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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