Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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