how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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