Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize