farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
