you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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