Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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