You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
