Swine flu. Run for my life!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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