Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i think my cat just said my name.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
