Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
