guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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