Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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