o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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