sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you have feelings for this penis?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
